I felt infinite.

It is pretty strange how my happiest memory revolves around two of the most potent tools on opposite ends of the spectrum: words and silence. I grew up hearing that “pen is mightier than the sword,” but I also grew up hearing that “silence speaks louder than words,” and it was only last year that I realized the weight of these phrases.

I spent the entire first half of 2021 working on my Master’s thesis, stuck in a grueling cycle of finishing the last leg of my course, considering dropping out, and reminding myself to keep pushing forward. Spending six months tiring myself to the bone to submit twenty-thousand words was worth it, though, when I realized every word in the document was a product of my hard work, determination, thoughts, and drive. I thought ending that chapter of my life would be one of the happiest, if not the happiest, moments of my life, but I was mistaken; the happiest moment of my life was yet to arrive.

Instead of celebrating this milestone with my friends or family, the first thing I did after wrapping up was stand on my balcony and breathe. I stood there for some time, watching the sky turn orange, purple, and black, illuminated by the stars covering it like a blanket. I live in a city that never sleeps, but in that moment, everything was silent — the city, the sky, the birds, the wind, my thoughts — the world stood still. There was something very haunting yet calming about breathing in silence after breathing in, out, and around words for months on end.

Looking up at the vast sky did not feel intimidating. The sky, stretching endlessly, did not seem so big, and I, on the ground, did not feel small; I felt as though we were on the same platform. It was quite surreal to experience my mind running at the speed of an Olympian, slowing down and becoming a semicolon – neither stopping nor pausing but taking a short rest. At that moment, I was at my happiest. At that moment, I felt the most at peace.

Happiness comes in various forms. The state of being happy is subjective – it can be loud, quiet, bright, dim, smiling, or tearing up. Happiness can be making new memories, and it can also be letting go of memories. For me, happiness was silence. For me, happiness was silently closing a chapter of my life, breathing, and silently penning down the outline of the next. My happiest moment didn’t arrive when I thought it would. It crept up on me when I least expected to feel content, calm, and euphoric.

Words have always guided me. I have crossed oceans, felt my veins pump up with adrenaline, and navigated the world with words. Words speak of you, and words speak for you. Words can make and break you. Yet, in that moment, as I stood on my balcony, silence spoke louder than words, and I was at my happiest.

Monochrome.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of
It’s that this world is grey,
Like a black and white photo that’s
Out of focus,
Capturing a colour palette coloured in
Different shades of grey.
Never knew that loneliness came in
So many hues, and grey had a variety
Of its own.
The gardens, the road I walk on,
The skyscrapers touching the monochrome sky,
Everything is grey.
There’s no exception.
I’m hopelessly trying to find my purpose
In this black and white photo, but
It’s in vain.
You found me in this city of grey, and
“Good morning”, is what you said, and
I kept looking for the “good” in that “morning”
Only knowing that there isn’t one,
With every “good morning” comes a
“Good night”,
A period,
The end of a sonnet,
The last line of a ballad.
Your voice was like the rainbow after
A heavy downpour, and
I hated basking in it because
Rainbows weren’t supposed to exist
In a world of grey.
The husky nature and the velvet drawl
Of your voice haunted me for
Days,
Weeks,
Months,
Maybe even years,
When I finally figured out that
Your voice is colourful.
It was a scary realisation,
I was terrified
Because you gave me a palette
Of colours I didn’t know existed, but
You were still silver.
The silver lining to my grey cloud,
The only exception to my grey dreams,
The only one to paint my city golden.
I fell in love like autumn leaves,
Easily
Swiftly
Smoothly,
You were my purpose in the
Black and white photo, that
Now had found its focus.

Anchor.

If I were to describe our relationship,
Normalcy isn’t the word I’d use, but
Not because we lack it, but because
There’s so much more to it than a
Mere routine. It’s not normalcy;
It’s a balance.
You’re my 2am text message, and
You’ll be my 3am phone call
Whenever I’ll be drowning,
Not knowing how to escape it,
Only knowing you’ll be there,
Or if I feel like something is missing,
You’ll be that one phone call.
There’s pin drop silence in my room
Right now, it’s also almost midnight, but
Here I am, penning this down while
Listening to your song covers, and
Laughing at your distorted pictures
On my phone.
Your birthday is near, and I wish

I Could be there
In person to tease you relentlessly,
But I’m afraid I won’t be,
And I apologise,
For being distant lately,
For not being a good friend,
A helping hand,
Who promised to be there
Till the end,
And beyond.
A shrill, warped voice inside my head
Tells me
You wouldn’t wait, and you’d get tired,
Of waiting,
Standing,
In the dark, and
I wouldn’t hold it against you
If you do.
It’s strange writing this to you,
For you,
Not knowing where it’ll lead to,
Or how it’d end, but
You’ll always be my anchor,
That one phone call.
Here’s to crossing another milestone
In your life, and
For many more to come.

Confusion.

My mind was a whirlwind of
So many contradicting emotions
At the same time, that
I felt chaos consuming me.
Baffled and clear,
Bewildered and lucid,
My thoughts were ambiguous and coherent –
Confusion was the only note the voices
In my head could reach, and
I felt I was in the corner,
I felt I was in the spotlight.
We kissed last night –
You and I,
Your heavy breath mingled with
My exasperated one,
Marking the silhouette of my mouth.
With every stroke of your tongue
Against mine, I kept losing
My ground, and
All the nerves in my body and
All the enunciations in my mind
Made me question if it was just
Our lips that met,
Or more?

Rebellion.

Have your ever felt like you’ve
Wanted to be insatiable,
Unobtainable,
Untouchable,
But your wings are glued to your back and
Your tongue is tied by the invisible thread
Binding your words, or
Have you ever felt like screaming your heart out
Lyrically and passionately,
But weren’t able to find the “appropriate” word,
Or the “correct” synonym,
Because I have.
I’ve wanted to be reason I’m awake at night,
The reason I’m haunted by the all the words
Choking my throat,
All those thoughts I’m swallowing, and
All those beliefs trying to claw their way out
In the form of a free verse,
Without being stopped by rhymes,
Or the correct punctuation,
Without being told my sentences can’t
Reach a page they don’t belong to.

I want my words to roam around,
To string themselves into stanzas
Freely,
To lose themselves in the world of passion,
And to morph into a book of beauty and
Strength, without any shackles.

I want my stanzas to reincarnate as
A free verse.

Stars.

Like a young swan
I swim in the middle of the night,
Reciting poems as I float,
Whispering to the stars above and
Trying to convey my dreams to them.
Dreams of helping me get some rest,
Some peace,
Just some sleep.
The water’s so deep that
I look around for a window
Or a portal to teleport me
To the stars in
My flesh and bone,
And into the mantle of their
Burning lights.
The stars, so out of my reach
Call me, enrapture me,
Hypnotize me with a cautious
Calculated gentleness, and
I keep floating, struck by a sudden and
New found charge,
Possessed with knowledge I never knew
I knew, and
Reaching out to the stars
As they reach out to me
Engulfing me in their flames.
Now I’ve found a home
In the stars,
Hoping they’ve found one
In me, too.

Ink.

​The blank white page

Brushed against my fingers 

That held the brush, 

Dipped in a colourful ink, and 

All my inspirations came down 

Running, 

Splashing, 

In front of me, in the form of 

The arch of your back, 

The curves of your valley 

Kissed by the setting sun, 

Dimming the contours of your shape, 

Teaching me a whole new language. 

My mind drew the image of 

Your black locks, 

Resting on your face, 

Lighting up from the rays

Pouring through the curtains, and 

You were marvellous, 

We were beautiful. 

The twenty year old ebony table 

Carved with your memories, 

Firm, 

Battered, came into view, 

The wood peeling off, 

Yet so prosperous, 

Crucified, 

On the brink of solitude. 

My soul sang songs in this new, unexplored, 

Yet familiar language, and 

My mouth sighed its consonants, and 

My mind narrated the beautiful tale, 

But my hand still didn’t move an inch. 

Words.

​In a parallel universe

If people were words and 

The world was a book, 

Each day would be a new page 

Rustling, 

Turning.

Each event would be like

Ink spilled across the pages and 

We would notice

Big, fancy words 

Sipping green tea, surrounded 

By its aroma, sitting 

In an elegant plaza, dressed 

In rich, ironed suits, talking of

Intellect and philosophy in

Their posh language and voicing 

Their bold opinions, scrunching their

Noses at

Tiny, little words running 

In the corner, playing,

Jumping, 

Tripping and enjoying themselves,

Living each moment 

Freely, 

Innocently, and 

Interrupting the on going 

Sophisticated discussions –

Their honey filled laughter 

Pushing the posh language aside, and

Finally the big words would 

Crack a silent smile, proud 

Of the sound of the ringing laughter 

Spreading warm hugs in the 

Chilly winter season. 

Voice.

I won’t apologise

If my voice pierces your ears 

And shoots across the sky, building 

Skyscrapers, and hitching to

The clouds above, and 

I won’t apologise 

If my compelling thoughts,

Sharp as a razor, clutch 

Your heart and claw their way in,

Pumping your blood with 

My dreams, and again, 

I won’t apologise 

If you have to savor 

The flavour of my words 

On your tongue, against your 

Acquiescence on a chilly night 

Because my words 

So silver and so heavy 

Carve stones of my name on 

The ground I repeatedly stabbed

With my ideals 

When I wrapped your unsettling 

Nerves around my neck 

Like a sacred medallion echoing 

The sound of victory, so rare,

So daunting, and so loud 

That my sudden, sly blows

Might make you falter and 

Scoff at my shadow,

Waiting for my edges to smoothen, 

But I’ll let you know that 

I’m still just as unapologetic. 

Dreams.

​I realised that it’s 

Best when we do not 

“Fall” in love so much as

Let it meet at the door and 

Allow it to blossom with us, and 

Let it dress us in words that

Dance with laughter because I 

Can’t come up with a single 

Adjective to describe the 

Sheer delight of having it

Knock on my door as I 

Stand behind it starry eyed 

Watching all my dreams fall 

Into place, one by one, 

Spinning it into a story I have 

Been dreaming about ever since 

My fingers first reached the doorknob. 

Sometimes, for all our wariness, 

Dreams do come true.